I suspect I am not the only child in the world who closed herself in the bathroom to practice her acceptance speech. Mine was for the ‘Best Actress’ Academy Award. I embraced my future as the world’s greatest actress when I was in the second grade. Of course, the first step was to begin practicing my acceptance speech.

As I stood and tilted my head to present the best version of myself, the most appropriate words seamlessly streamed from my mouth. “I would like to thank my mother, my father, my sister….” You get the idea. I was brilliant.

These harmless practices are pantomime. Marcel Marceau and other talented mimes convey the outward motions of communication without speech. As brilliant as they are, what they do stands independent of true interaction. They are in complete control, and what is missing, is another person.

It’s like hitting a tennis ball against the garage door. The game is static. You are in control of the speed and direction of the ball as it returns to you. Ultimately, you are in control because you’re the only player.

It’s a different game entirely if you are on the tennis court with someone else. That static solo game has become a dynamic interchange between two people. Now, since there is no way to anticipate the direction or speed of the ball, both participants are challenged to fully engage.

Perhaps it comes from living alone through the lockdown, but I am finding that as the world slowly blossoms open, I must relearn some of my social skills like conversation.

During the lockdown I was in control of my environment. Except for zoom meetings or brief phone calls I could go for days without speaking to anyone. I didn’t have to dress nicely except from the waist up and as long as the mess didn’t show up on the video feed, I didn’t even have to do much housework.

In other words, I was hitting a ball against the wall, and as hard as my cat tried, she never mastered the art of conversation.

We are social animals. So, it feels good to be back to interacting in person. Facial gestures, body language, and tone of voice don’t always translate electronically. Yet those nuances enrich our interactions, particularly in conversation. It is good for our souls to reconnect with friends and family and see them face to face.

However, in the time of isolation, it appears some of us forgot basic conversational skills. Public discourse acquired a razor-sharp edge with no space to interact on any level other than that of standing in front of the bathroom speaking to oneself. Sometimes it feels as if instead hitting the conversational ball back and forth there are two parallel solo games going on with little or no common ground.

How this happened I do not know. What I do know is that it doesn’t have to be this way.

We have the power to choose our reactions. In so doing, it’s important to remember that kindness counts. Politeness is necessary. These ideals are essential to maintain because without them conversation shuts down and without conversation, there is no way to connect.

In the listening study discussed in my book Heart to Heart: Spiritual Care through Deep Listening, the outcome was rather remarkable. We discovered that deep listening leads to deep connection. Deep connection leads to transformation.

Finding the connection with another establishes a common spot in which to meet and that’s what is sorely needed at this time.

Of course, this problem of poor communication is as old as humankind. The pandemic didn’t help that. But as we move out of our isolation toward common ground, there are questions given to us by Socrates that can guide us back to civil discourse.

“Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”

Once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back.

So, give yourself a moment to pause and reflect before you respond. To paraphrase from the Bible, “Speak to others as you would have them speak to you.”